Offspring of the virgin's womb

Maybe it’s that holiday spirit, maybe it’s that I just got the official Forest City update from the Johnsons, maybe it’s that I just read through the entire history of this endeavor, maybe it’s the gentle goading of Peter. For whatever reason, I’m so nostalgic I could shit. This really was a brilliant idea, and it has served us well, and my laziness is no reason for it to stop now, just when we see each other the least, just when we need it most, just when the vestiges of the Triumvirate could be crucial to sanity and a last ditch effort to remain distinctly un-adult.

You guys are funny fuckers and I need an old school laugh, so god damn it, serve me up a hot heaping plate of bullshit lightly seasoned with assholery and kingfuckerchickenery.

I mean, for god’s sake Ty, I haven’t seen you since you dove the dive of a plastered swan onto your coffee table and beat down your true inner nerd by breaking your geeky computer games into shards and frisbeeing them around the room. That was a fantastic weekend, but too long ago. For all I know you’re now a long haul truck driver with a penchant for Billy Graham and Long Island Ice Tea who has children or pets or houseplants or something. For all you know I’ve pierced my balls, taken up yoga, and invented a revolutionary sex toy.

Because there are only a few people in the world who are blessed enough to know precisely how funny this is, I give you selected vignettes from A Very Thompson Christmas:

1. My grandmother put a hairbrush in my stocking. Maybe she thought my pubes might be getting a bit unruly, I don’t know.

2. Uncle Bob doesn’t really understand that his particular brand of political humor and incessant goading doesn’t really mesh well with the newest member of the family, an ADHD 9th grader that Cindy and Calvin have adopted. Most of the inside jokes cause Khalil to look exceedingly alarmed and ask "Are you going to do that to me?" At which point we explain that no, of course not, nobody in their right mind would do that. "But that really happened?" Yes, grandma Doris used to do that to Cindy and Carol and Bob. Then he announced that he was riding a bike back to Seattle. And grandpa tried to go with him.

Anyway, I don't have much of consequence, but I wanted to pretend there was something. Merry Stuff and Happy Things in any case. Post something. I don't care if it's a transcript of a conversation your balls had with each other, I'll read it, and I'll even enjoy it I promise.